Crisps
Bonus · published 2023-09-23 · archive #205

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[0:00:30] Geoff: And welcome to another supplemental piece of F**kface content. You've been waiting for this one almost as long as we have. This is the International Chip Challenge. And not only are we going... What is wrong with you? We have never called it that.
[0:00:57] Eric: It's been months. And we've been calling it crisps.
[0:01:01] Gavin: If it's a challenge, too, it's the easiest challenge in the world.
[0:01:04] Andrew: Well, the challenge is who's got the best chips. Let me raise the stakes a little bit, right? So we're all going to submit scores. What about this? I'm just going to float this idea out there. Whoever has the lowest score can't return to their home country. Or they have to leave. What about that? For how long? Set some stakes. I'm going to. Ever. Forever. Permanently. You live in Canada.
[0:01:26] Geoff: So what if you or I have to leave the country? Yeah.
[0:01:29] Andrew: If we're at the bottom... Listen, I'm not going to be at the bottom of this. So I don't care setting the stakes, whatever. Dude, I'm pretty sure you're going to be at the bottom of this. No, I'm going to win this fucking competition. Anyway. I got facts. I got passion. I got ketchup. Doesn't matter. None of that matters.
[0:01:42] Geoff: Here's what we're doing. Apparently, it's not the International Chip Challenge. It's the Crip Crisps of the World. Crisps of the World Unite? Question mark? That sounds like charity. Okay, and so what we're going to do is we're going to have everybody here eat the chips, but we're going to go in gag order. Only three of us can rate them, and that is because there are more Americans than Canadians and Brits here, and we don't want the scores to be colored by country bias, even unintentional country bias. So we're going to go Gavin, Andrew, Jeff. Thanks for bringing in another American by the way. There's so many. And hold on. Hold on. I'm not done yet. I'm trying to intro this. Okay. So we've got Gavin, Andrew, and Jeff, the three graders. Then, as always, we've got Eric and Gracie. They're going to eat as well, and Nick has never said no to food, so we've got to have Nick in. And then for this episode and this episode only, because we all know F*** Face does not have guests, but I have filed a one-time regulation cast variance dispensation that has
[0:02:42] Geoff: been approved by my producer, Eric Bedore. Special one-time. So, because we saw Becca Frazier walk by in the hallway, and we bullied her into the room, she's going to participate as well. She's going to eat. She's going to provide her opinions. Her scores don't count in the official ruling, because she is an American, and we can't have two Americans.
[0:02:59] Gavin: I like the fact that the person who set the rule of no guests saw someone walking by the window.
[0:03:04] Geoff: That's all it takes. What do you want me to do? I've known Becca for 38 years. I never see her. On the rare occasion I see her, I want to hang out with her for a minute. I was excited to see her. Don't get me wrong.
[0:03:14] Andrew: Yeah, I think this is great, but I do think we need to change the rules of no guests unless you walk by the window and Jeff doesn't expect you. There you go. In which case, you will be on. Very loud. So if you want to be on the show, just surprise Jeff while we're recording.
[0:03:27] Geoff: Yeah. Okay. That's fair. That's what the rule. No guests, or you have to walk by at the right moment, and I have to like you, and it has to be a long enough time since I've seen you. There's a few layers. It's complicated, but it can be done.
[0:03:38] Gavin: And Becca, is it true that you've deployed your husband to pick up the kids?
[0:03:42] Unidentified: I have. Nice. Oh, sweet. Very quick change of plans, and now I'm here.
[0:03:46] Geoff: Excellent. You know what I love about having older kids? I told Millie today, because I have her this week, and I said, you'll have to figure out how to get home today because I'm stuck at work. Yeah. And she goes, okay. And then I know that she'll figure it out. She's almost 18. She's smart. Is that what you do with your kids or no?
[0:04:01] Unidentified: No. Okay. My kids will burn down the house if they manage to get it.
[0:04:05] Gavin: I got a text from Millie yesterday because Jeff lost his wallet. Yeah.
[0:04:09] Geoff: I did. I did, and I was scared of those at your house, but I didn't want to bug you, so Millie texted you. You didn't want to bug him? I don't like to text Gavin. No, I get it. Oh, what? I don't like to text anybody. I don't like to bother people. I don't like to text me Smee videos and Smee pics. Well, that's the relationship you and Gavin have. I hung out with Gavin Friday, and I hung out with Gavin Saturday, so for them to bother Gavin with a text on Sunday, it feels like too much to me.
[0:04:32] Graysie: Wow.
[0:04:34] Geoff: I love him so much. He is literally next to my daughter and my fiance, my favorite person on this planet. I just feel like that would be the person that you would bug. Honestly, it's kind of neck and neck between the three. It depends on the day, but because of that, I just have so much respect for him and his personal time. I don't want to bother him.
[0:04:50] Eric: I like him too much to talk to him. Does Jeff text you every day or? No.
[0:04:54] Geoff: We talk about houses rarely. That's about it.
[0:04:56] Unidentified: Okay.
[0:04:56] Gavin: Yeah, Beck and I have been texting recently about British toilets.
[0:05:00] Unidentified: Yeah. I have some opinions. That'll be the next challenge.
[0:05:05] Eric: Okay. We should get into these crisps. Okay. So, the way that Jeff was saying this is going to work is we're going to start with the four crisps from each person, and then you guys are going to send me your scores. You won't reveal them to everyone, and we'll tally them all up at the end. And are they, is it one through ten, or one through one hundred? One through ten.
[0:05:29] Geoff: One through ten, and no decimals. No decimals, goddammit. No decimals. Because then it might as well be a hundred. It might as well be a hundred. You're right. That's what I always say. Nobody listens to Jeff.
[0:05:41] Eric: All I was saying was like, yeah, one through ten, we'll do like 8.7. It's like, no, then just do one to a hundred. None of this makes sense. Anyway, one through ten.
[0:05:47] Geoff: 87.7.
[0:05:48] Eric: Okay. So, that is what we'll do, and we'll start with, it'll be gag order. So, it'll be Gavin, Andrew, Jeff, and you can talk about why you've selected these crisps, what the point was, and what you think. So, let's start.
[0:06:03] Geoff: Forward gag order, not reverse gag. Yeah. Reverse gag would be Jeff. Otherwise, it'd be gag, and that doesn't make any sense. Yeah. It wouldn't want to be backwards gag.
[0:06:08] Eric: Okay. Yeah. Take your pick.
[0:06:12] Andrew: What are we starting with?
[0:06:13] Eric: What's it going to be?
[0:06:16] Gavin: What are these? What do you mean? Those are probably... I've noticed an immediate problem. Well, these are nuts, Eric. Nice and... That's what it is. Nope. Nick-knocks. That's nuts. Nick-knacks. Those aren't shit. What did he ask for? All right, we'll start with... I ordered the fucking thing. Is that not what it's supposed to be? Gardner. They're crisps. Those are nuts.
[0:06:41] Geoff: Dude, I don't know. Don't look at me. I can't believe... I think I'm on your side. I think I'm on your side. Well, I sent you a... Wait. Wait.
[0:06:49] Andrew: Why don't we start... No, I got...
[0:06:50] Geoff: Listen.
[0:06:51] Andrew: I think I got the right product. Andrew, it's Frazzles. All right, we're starting with Frazzles. Well, I just opened Nick-knacks. Hold on.
[0:06:58] Geoff: Go back to Frazzles.
[0:06:59] Gavin: Because, you know, it's the first one of the day. Let's get breakfast-y. These are bacon-flavored Frazzles.
[0:07:04] Geoff: Okay.
[0:07:04] Gavin: I think that's the only flavor they do. Try a Frazzle.
[0:07:07] Geoff: So why don't they just call them Frazzles?
[0:07:10] Gavin: Just in case you don't know what you're getting into. Oh, sorry, Nick.
[0:07:12] Unidentified: So, um, these are corn snacks. Oh, my God.
[0:07:17] Geoff: They're corn snacks. Stick your nose in and get a whiff. All right. Here's the thing I'll say about British chips. Very bacon-y. High, high smell. Yeah.
[0:07:24] Unidentified: These smell like dog treats.
[0:07:25] Geoff: A hundred percent. All right. Have you already started eating them?
[0:07:28] Gavin: Why don't you chill your bean? He has a point. You didn't chill your bean. All right. Now, everyone except for Eric, because he's already done it, why don't we eat our lovely Frazzles crisp? You ready, Andrew? Now, hold on. Can Eric eat this again?
[0:07:39] Eric: No, I'll wait until everyone has their second Frazzles crisp.
[0:07:43] Andrew: I do appreciate that they kind of have, like, bacon lines on them. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They do.
[0:07:48] Gavin: That's definitely drawn on in no way. Yeah.
[0:07:52] Eric: All right. Ready? Everyone? I think so. Here we go.
[0:07:54] Gavin: Everyone, Eric.
[0:07:55] Eric: Shouldn't eat right into the microphone? Should not eat right into the microphone.
[0:07:58] Gavin: No, it's ASMR. The crunch factor is important. I'm going to be scoring based on crunch. He's got an excellent point. I'm going all on. I'm going to eat a second Frazzles. Mm-hmm.
[0:08:09] Geoff: Get a few going. It really gets the... It builds. I'm already slacking. Okay. Now, I should say Frazzles in my Slack, right? Yeah.
[0:08:20] Eric: I mean, I'm keeping track as we go, so it's up to you.
[0:08:24] Geoff: Eric. Frazzles. And then I'll text the number. I won't say it out loud. People will know it. I want it to be a secret. So I'm just going to... Do I score my own? Put it to you quietly. Definitely. You got to score your own. Don't mess.
[0:08:36] Eric: Wouldn't you... Why would you not? And no decimals? No.
[0:08:41] Geoff: Okay. Okay.
[0:08:44] Eric: All right. These are... It kind of keeps... Like, if you stop eating it, it's weird. But if you keep eating it... Yes.
[0:08:53] Unidentified: Yeah. No, I agree. I think if you stop eating it, it seems to swell in your mouth a little. Yeah. There's a little bloating going on. But I don't mind the texture at all.
[0:09:03] Gavin: Oh, excellent.
[0:09:03] Andrew: I like the texture. I like the crunch. But I will say the more I eat, the less I like it.
[0:09:08] Geoff: Interesting. It's weird. There's a drop off. I will say on the back, for the nutritional values, it says typical nutritional values.
[0:09:16] Andrew: Interesting.
[0:09:17] Geoff: It does a range.
[0:09:18] Andrew: It does feel really bacon-y, which is like you don't get that a lot in snacks. Like, they're not what they're supposed to taste like and what they taste like. Don't often line up.
[0:09:26] Unidentified: Yeah. And I feel like humans don't get a lot of bacon-flavored snacks. It's usually...
[0:09:30] Geoff: It's usually... Yeah.
[0:09:32] Eric: Yeah. I have... These are like treats for us. I have received scores from Jeff and Gavin. Sorry. And Andrew simply sent me the word brazzle.
[0:09:41] Unidentified: I forgot.
[0:09:42] Andrew: I got caught up in the bacon thing, in the bacon flavor, and I forgot to put a number in. I filled it in. He just went... I followed it up. Brazzle.
[0:09:50] Gavin: Should we go to the opinions of Nick and Gracie, too?
[0:09:52] Graysie: Please. Gracie, any thoughts? Love the texture, but they do taste like microwaved bacon. They vary specifically.
[0:09:58] Gavin: The more you eat, the better they are. So I'm just going to keep going. I feel the opposite. The opposite of what Andrew said. Interesting. So if you combine both those opinions, normal.
[0:10:07] Unidentified: Interesting.
[0:10:08] Eric: Okay. I have... I have scores from everyone for brazzles. All right. Let's move on to your next crisp.
[0:10:14] Geoff: Second crisp. Oh, I go all of mine in a row? Yeah. I mean, we've been discussing it in that way for like an hour now. Oh. Yeah. It was pretty painfully clear. That's how we were doing it. I disagreed with doing it that way, but everybody else seemed on board. Yeah. That's the opposite of why I said that. All right. Twiglets, everyone. To me, it would have made sense to go... Yeah. Okay. It's all right. We can go around, Robin. Well, it's too late now. High in fiber, and you spell fiber like a British person. Fibre. Fibre. Yeah, fibre. Oven to bake, not fried. Okay. Now, Becky, you were just in England.
[0:10:46] Unidentified: I was, yes. Did you have frazzles or twiglets? I know. The only ones that I had were a prawn cocktail flavored chip, and then there was some other spicy chip that I got. We had our own little tasting.
[0:10:58] Geoff: I gotta be honest, this just looks like a British pretzel.
[0:11:01] Andrew: Yeah, I will say in the back of the bag, it says, gives you that distinctive knobbly shape. I don't think I've ever wanted a knobbly shape.
[0:11:08] Unidentified: These are very unattractive.
[0:11:10] Geoff: Oh, and it just has nutrition information. You don't like knobbly looking twigs?
[0:11:13] Unidentified: I mean, I think they warned us what we were in for with the name.
[0:11:17] Geoff: No, knuckles. These look awful. Knuckles, yeah.
[0:11:20] Unidentified: These fucking suck.
[0:11:24] Eric: Oh, we didn't do all the pomp and circumstance of eating one at the same time. I just got yelled at the first time for it, and then it never, it didn't happen the second time. Oh, these are so bad.
[0:11:34] Gavin: Becca just went in.
[0:11:34] Andrew: These suck so much. Oh my God. What have you done to us, Kevin? These taste like they're burned. Why are you making us eat a bag of sticks? What are you doing?
[0:11:44] Eric: This tastes like eating the street.
[0:11:47] Graysie: Yeah, I was going to say dirty air.
[0:11:49] Gavin: This tastes like Christmas. In England, a nice communal bowl on some coffee table somewhere.
[0:11:54] Geoff: Oh, Christmas day. If this tasted like Christmas, it wouldn't have made it in America.
[0:11:59] Unidentified: Are these intended to be flavored, or is this just their native core taste? All right, I got you.
[0:12:04] Geoff: You got my, you got my. Oh, I definitely got it. Is this what potpourri tastes like? I love these. These are great. Are you serious?
[0:12:13] Unidentified: Is this like a thing where you've had them your whole life, and you're a little sentimental about them, and you tasted them before you had better things?
[0:12:20] Geoff: Is Jacob a beloved figure in England?
[0:12:24] Unidentified: Since 1851.
[0:12:27] Eric: The taste, the initial taste is, like Gracie said, like dirty air. It's like the street. The aftertaste is, I don't know another way to describe it, but nature. Yeah. It tastes like being, it tastes like being in the woods, but specifically face down in the dirt in the woods.
[0:12:45] Geoff: It tastes a little bit like if you ate a stick from the woods that somebody dropped a cigarette near.
[0:12:52] Unidentified: Yeah. Yeah.
[0:12:54] Geoff: Like it's not the cigarette, but it's of the cigarette.
[0:12:57] Graysie: Yeah.
[0:12:58] Unidentified: These are 80% wheat flour.
[0:13:01] Graysie: Remember those little weird wood chips that were on like your elementary school playground? Yeah.
[0:13:05] Nick: Oh. Yes. You're eating in a campsite. Yeah, it is very campy.
[0:13:09] Gavin: Yeah. To me, they're kind of like a packet of cigarettes found in a canal that dried off.
[0:13:14] Geoff: Okay. Yeah. I can see why you'd love that. And that says Christmas to you.
[0:13:18] Eric: I will say that is kind of how they look. So you have to send me your score.
[0:13:23] Geoff: His family used to do that time-honored British tradition where they would bury the presents in the canal, and the kids would have to go take them out on Christmas morn.
[0:13:30] Eric: Yeah. Okay. Well, that's Twiglets. Let's go to our next crisp. Wait. Oh, Andrew Hayden.
[0:13:38] Gavin: Right. Okay. The next one- Oh, they're terrible. Yeah.
[0:13:41] Geoff: All right. Well, let's do.
[0:13:42] Gavin: The next one is pickled onion monster munch.
[0:13:44] Geoff: Okay.
[0:13:45] Andrew: Now, I believe- I'm so sick of you making me eat pickled shit. Sorry. But I just- I had to vocalize.
[0:13:51] Gavin: I believe they temporarily made these smaller, and then everyone complained, and they made them big again. Okay. And I remember as a kid, struggling to get my mouth wide enough to fit some of these in.
[0:14:01] Eric: So, pickled onion- It's walkers, which is just Lay's logo, but says walkers. Yeah, yeah. Yes. But pickled onion is a flavor.
[0:14:10] Unidentified: I'm into this. Oh, the smell.
[0:14:12] Eric: All right. Everyone at the same time?
[0:14:13] Unidentified: The smell when you open it. This is another baked- Do not smell! This is another baked cornstack, too, so- Oh, yeah.
[0:14:20] Gavin: If you- If you put your nose into the bag, and just- You can't do that. Huff it. If you just huff it, you can't keep going.
[0:14:25] Unidentified: I'm liking it.
[0:14:27] Gavin: Do a real deep breath.
[0:14:28] Unidentified: It's got in my nose. I got some of the powder.
[0:14:31] Eric: Are we all eating at the same time?
[0:14:33] Gavin: Yeah. You ready, Andrew? Okay.
[0:14:35] Eric: I'm ready.
[0:14:36] Unidentified: Oh, these are big.
[0:14:43] Eric: Jesus Christ. Hell, yeah. These are the bomb. Oh, give me a fucking frazzle.
[0:14:49] Unidentified: I feel bad for everyone listening to this with these scrunchies. Oh, my- What the fuck is this called? Monster Munch? Yeah.
[0:14:55] Gavin: Oh, so good.
[0:14:57] Unidentified: These are good. These are, like, amped up onions.
[0:15:01] Geoff: Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's interesting. And they have other flavors than Monster Munch. Not just pickled onion.
[0:15:08] Gavin: Yeah, there's, like, um, there's the spicy one. There's, uh, I think the roast beef one. Uh-huh.
[0:15:12] Geoff: Oh, like, roast beef.
[0:15:17] Gavin: Nick loves that one. Nick's excited about the roast beef. Nick, what were your thoughts on that?
[0:15:22] Nick: Oh, yeah. Nice and pickly. The guy that's looking like the Branson pizza.
[0:15:27] Eric: When it comes to food. Nick's voice got so high there. Nick is a freak when it comes to food.
[0:15:33] Geoff: Oh, and I said pickly. What? Dude, Nick likes all food. He's a weirdo. The only thing I've ever seen them eat they didn't like was Sir Strauman. That's true. Sir Strauman.
[0:15:42] Eric: That pickled, pickled in lye. It's like they package the fish in lye and then put it in a tin.
[0:15:49] Geoff: It's supposed to be the smelliest thing on earth. It is the smelliest thing on earth. I wouldn't know.
[0:15:52] Gavin: Herring goo. Yeah. So you all say. All right. You look like you hated those, Eric.
[0:15:57] Eric: Oh, I didn't like that at all. It, it really, it was the worst part of a pickle flavor with the, I didn't know there was a
[0:16:08] Geoff: worst part of a Funyun flavor, but it has it. Now, now see, I want to keep my opinions close to the best. I don't want to, I don't want to give up how I feel about it till at the end. Why? Well, I don't know. You're not going to remember.
[0:16:18] Eric: Because then you get an idea of how everybody's doing. You're certainly not going to remember. I liked them. Okay.
[0:16:23] Geoff: Oh, I mean, you're, you're not, I gave it a high score.
[0:16:25] Eric: You're not going to, you didn't have to say that. I gave it an eight. You gave that an eight? Sounds like Andrew didn't go for the eight. Why would you, you don't have to give a score. You just told me I can't. You can just say what it is. Okay. I'm not giving a score. And last, I'm just trying to follow your leader.
[0:16:42] Gavin: Yeah. And Eric didn't get me any knick knacks, so. Are we going to eat nuts? Yeah. I don't know what this was. How much Nick loves this recording.
[0:16:48] Eric: Watch it be so much better than whatever it was you were going to pick.
[0:16:51] Geoff: Nick, this is the, you're, watching you enjoy this has been the best part for me. These are from Thailand.
[0:16:56] Gavin: I don't know. Wait, is that Thai? What is that? What? Show me the link.
[0:17:02] Unidentified: I ordered the thing that I had. I don't know what to tell you. Have you, you've never even seen these before?
[0:17:06] Gavin: No.
[0:17:06] Unidentified: Like, wow.
[0:17:07] Gavin: Double crunch peanuts. Let's try it.
[0:17:10] Eric: I ordered, here's the thing. I had the link. I ordered, I ordered knick knacks. Oh, that's knick knacks. Yeah, look. I ordered these. Get a refund. Doesn't look like it. They sent me, they sent me knick knacks.
[0:17:20] Gavin: All right, I'm just going to have to, I'm going to have to rip it and just pass the bag around.
[0:17:25] Geoff: Oh my God. What is knick knacks? What is knick knacks? The double crunch peanuts from Thailand.
[0:17:32] Andrew: Here, I'm sending you this, Eric. Is this what your guy's thing looks like? Or did I get the proper thing?
[0:17:37] Unidentified: Let me, oh, this will be an interesting variable here.
[0:17:40] Eric: That is, that's got to be the right thing. It's Cheetos. Yeah, that's a knick knack. That's just Cheetos.
[0:17:45] Gavin: Imagine we're eating those.
[0:17:46] Eric: It's just Cheetos. It's not. So I'm eating a different thing than you. Yes. I ordered knick knacks and they sent us knick knacks. You didn't verify? You didn't, you didn't check it to the picture? I don't know what the fuck these things are. You've got monster munch. It's got this thing I don't even want to look at. Been in my office for so fucking long. And I just look at it every day and I go, I hate this. I hate this so much. Nick was like, are you excited to do crisps? And I'm like, I'm excited to be done with crisps.
[0:18:09] Geoff: Dude, it's a shame those aren't yours because they're a banger. Oh, are these my highest scoring thing?
[0:18:13] Gavin: I'll take it. All right, let's go in.
[0:18:16] Unidentified: Incredible. Wow. Yeah, these are good. Are they real peanuts? Is this an imitation peanut product? Nick got it. Because I'm allergic.
[0:18:28] Nick: God damn it. We should have this conversation in the hall then.
[0:18:31] Unidentified: All right.
[0:18:32] Nick: All right, Jeff sent me a score. Those are pretty good.
[0:18:35] Gavin: I feel like I've had something similar.
[0:18:36] Andrew: Andrew, what do you think? Yeah, they're called peanuts. I don't know if my taste the same. I would say that the knick knacks I had tastes like a Christmas tree. I've had to compare a taste to it.
[0:18:46] Gavin: They'd probably go well with the Twiglets then.
[0:18:48] Andrew: Well, it should be illegal for such a fun name to taste so shit. I love the name. It seems like a great time and it's just trees. Sorry. That's an aside. Send me your score. These peanuts are really good.
[0:19:04] Gavin: Congratulations on the dick knack.
[0:19:05] Unidentified: I mean, this is a great bar snack right here.
[0:19:07] Gavin: Andrew, let me ask you a question. Be honest. Did you like a single bite of mine?
[0:19:14] Eric: Yes. Yes, I did. Okay. There you go. I'm looking at his scores. I can verify that.
[0:19:20] Unidentified: Okay. Gavin, I'm concerned that not one of these was a potato product. The way he looked down.
[0:19:33] Geoff: But would you say they're crispy? You know what? It's interesting you say that, Becca. Because I was faced with all of the most amazing chip products in America. And I asked, like, is a Cheeto, does a Cheeto count? And they're like, absolutely. Very split. Cheese puffs, Cheetos. You can do whatever you want. You can have a Frito. That counts. And I thought, no, I'm going to be a purist. I'm going to go with only potato chips, not Doritos, nothing else, just potato-ass chips. Because I wanted to be true to the spirit of this thing.
[0:19:59] Gavin: I guess the corner shops of my youth were littered with non-potato products.
[0:20:03] Eric: They are in America, too. Yeah. Okay. So we have all of our scores for Gavin. All right. Wait. Now we go to Andrew. Andrew, which crisp will you be starting with?
[0:20:14] Andrew: I think I'm going to, we're going to open with the old Dutch barbecue chip. Oh, what the fuck? Now, for some additional information, I emailed all of these companies asking if they would like me to bring up any specific points during this very official ruling. And I got a nonsensical reply by old Dutch. So we will ignore.
[0:20:32] Geoff: You emailed their feedback, Dutch, and they gave you a bullshit response?
[0:20:36] Andrew: They did. Yeah. They gave me a bullshit response. But old Dutch, this is a Canadian staple. This is your classic, like, add a baseball game chip. Okay. Like, this is a vending machine chip. It delivers on exactly what you want from that experience. Okay.
[0:20:50] Eric: These are, just so everyone at home knows, these are old Dutch barbecue. No, Santa Fe barbecue. Yes.
[0:20:57] Unidentified: Oh. I didn't know they were famous for their barbecue.
[0:20:59] Geoff: Do you think this is Santa Fe? Oh, what does it say? I can't, you're moving it around. It's French. Savoir day. Okay. From where I was, a little like Santa Fe, right?
[0:21:06] Unidentified: You saw it too. I mean, I'm not even going to act like I can see.
[0:21:09] Eric: It's flavor in French. Okay. So this is barbecue flavored chips. Did you eat the chip without? No. Did you? I'm making sure you didn't. That's all. Andrew, you want to count us down?
[0:21:21] Geoff: Three, two, one. I was already baked three chips in by that time.
[0:21:27] Andrew: Good chip. That's a good chip. That is a great value-based chip.
[0:21:32] Unidentified: This is a very subtle barbecue. Yeah.
[0:21:36] Eric: Some would say not flavored as barbecue at all.
[0:21:38] Gavin: That is such a plain. Spice. What?
[0:21:43] Eric: A little bit of spice to it.
[0:21:45] Gavin: A little bit. A little bit. That is the most plain chip you could bring to international crisps.
[0:21:49] Eric: If you didn't tell me this was barbecue flavored, I would never, ever, ever guess barbecue flavored.
[0:21:56] Unidentified: I would maybe accept paprika flavored.
[0:21:58] Geoff: If you think this chip is spicy, you think whole milk is spicy. No, I'm not saying there's a little spice there.
[0:22:04] Andrew: I'm not saying it's spicy.
[0:22:05] Unidentified: There is a spice on it as in seasoning and spices and herbs.
[0:22:10] Eric: Right. As in when I pick it up and then I have something on my fingers afterwards. Dust on your fingers. Yeah.
[0:22:14] Geoff: Okay. I sent you my review.
[0:22:17] Andrew: Andrew, what did Old Dutch say? They said something about like we make quality chips or something, but it didn't make sense. And it was very disappointing. They do. Hey, fuck you. I don't want to hear it. Very aggressive.
[0:22:29] Unidentified: This is like a served with your sandwich at lunch chip. Just, you know. Yeah, absolutely.
[0:22:34] Andrew: It's a passive chip. But it's a Canadian.
[0:22:36] Geoff: It's a very passive chip. When you get this bag of chips with your sandwich, you go, I should have got the pickle. Yeah. I should have got the pickle spear.
[0:22:42] Andrew: No one has ever said I should have got the pickle. That doesn't happen. You just heard me say it. I've said that. Thank you, Nick. Of course, Nick.
[0:22:47] Geoff: What did you think of those, Nick?
[0:22:49] Nick: It's like eating, if it was barbecue before the grill is lit.
[0:22:53] Geoff: Mmm. I would say it's like eating the memory of a barbecue potato chip.
[0:22:57] Eric: You know what? Yeah.
[0:22:58] Geoff: It's been a few years since the factory.
[0:23:01] Eric: When you stop eating them, there's a little bit more of a flavor. Aftermath. There isn't after. Some would say aftertaste.
[0:23:09] Geoff: I like aftermath. That's way better.
[0:23:12] Eric: Andrew, you got to send me your score. The flavor aftermath. Oh, yeah. And aftermath. I told you when it's food, he's a fucking freak. I know, man. It's just so weird. This is the millennium of aftermath. So, all right. That is old Dutch barbecue. Gavin is going back to his twiglets. That was a frazzle. Get it right. Okay. Of course. All right.
[0:23:36] Andrew: Andrew, which is next? Okay. We are now, we're going to move into the Hawkins cheesies. Now, this is also a Canadian staple.
[0:23:43] Gavin: You've talked about these before.
[0:23:44] Andrew: I have. This is what I love about Hawkins. I did some research for this. They had one factory that they made in 1953, burnt down. They made another factory, and that's just where they've existed this whole time. They do not pay for advertising because that means they would have to produce more cheesies, and they don't want that. That's also why it's not available in America.
[0:24:02] Unidentified: These are dense. This is a really heavy bag.
[0:24:04] Gavin: You could kill someone with this bag. It's a thick Cheeto. It's really heavy.
[0:24:09] Geoff: It's a heavy Cheeto, yeah. It's a high-quality cheesy. Also not potato.
[0:24:13] Unidentified: Wait, so you're saying? I went three or four, okay? I'm not going to take this potato.
[0:24:19] Gavin: I don't know. Should I just go for a standout? I don't want to go for this extra knobbly one.
[0:24:22] Eric: No, no, get a classic cheesy. Yeah. You don't like a knobbly one? Well, I just don't want to.
[0:24:27] Geoff: That's a good-looking one that Becca has. I don't want the race shirt to be off.
[0:24:29] Eric: I like the way everyone just holds them up. Yeah. This is the most Cheeto-ass fucking smell in the world, too. Oh, God. No, it's not.
[0:24:36] Unidentified: No, this smells like Play-Doh. Oh, it doesn't really do. It smells like Play-Doh?
[0:24:40] Eric: Oh, it doesn't at the end? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay, you know what I do?
[0:24:44] Andrew: I never thought about that, but you're right. Okay. There's a little bit of Play-Doh in there. All right, count us down, Andrew. Three, two, one.
[0:24:50] Gavin: Enjoy. Oh, God. That is a texture I wasn't expecting. That was like work to get.
[0:24:56] Eric: I will say, Jeff took one bite, picked up his phone, sent me a score. That was instant. That tastes like a stale something.
[0:25:06] Unidentified: It's a stale Cheeto.
[0:25:08] Eric: These are- Is it stale? No, it's- I think that's the flavor. I think that's just what they are. I really do think that's what they are.
[0:25:15] Unidentified: I feel like every, like, fifth bag of Cheetos, you'll find one Cheeto in the bag that's like this.
[0:25:21] Eric: You're 100% right. That's why Cheetos are a superior chip, and these are Hawkins Cheezies, and they come in a bag like that.
[0:25:29] Gavin: I will say, for a cheese crisp, the aftertaste isn't too bad. I feel like cheese can leave you with a mouthful of Gak.
[0:25:37] Eric: This tastes like going to my friend Corey's house and swimming in his pool when I was like eight years old. Does it taste like his Gak? It tastes like- Tastes like Corey's Gak.
[0:25:52] Andrew: Weird. Well, if you're saying these taste stale, I'm going to attribute that to the fact that they've been in Eric's office for eight months. I don't think that that's a fair judgment. These are not stale. It's not stale. They're not stale.
[0:26:02] Eric: They're very- It's crispy in a cornstack way.
[0:26:05] Unidentified: These are well within their eat-by-date.
[0:26:07] Gavin: Did you look like this in his bowl cap?
[0:26:09] Geoff: Yeah, it was just about that. Here's what I'll say. Here's what I'll say for Hawkins. Best, I think, best of the container designs I've seen thus far. It's a well-crafted bag. It looks like we're going to the circus. It looks old-timey in a good way. Yeah. You don't like that? Monster Munch is good. Monster Munch is number two.
[0:26:25] Eric: I hate Monster Munch so fucking much. I hate him. I hate him. I hate that guy.
[0:26:29] Unidentified: I can't believe some of you are doing this without a beverage. I guess all of you have them.
[0:26:33] Gavin: I need to actually refill my beverage.
[0:26:35] Geoff: You want to step out real quick? Can you get something for Becca?
[0:26:37] Unidentified: Do y'all still have the oil?
[0:26:39] Geoff: I'll take another Coke cereal. Thanks.
[0:26:41] Unidentified: The green tea in the bottle? Love you.
[0:26:43] Geoff: Stay sweet.
[0:26:45] Unidentified: Just water. Some kind of water.
[0:26:49] Graysie: Gracie, what do you think of Hawkins Cheezies? I do like that you eat Cheetos and you have to dig your nails between your teeth to get out the residue. I don't have that.
[0:26:57] Unidentified: Oh, I do. I do.
[0:26:59] Graysie: I don't. I don't. Which is a pleasant surprise.
[0:27:02] Eric: Yeah. I think it's a kind of teeth we have. But I don't. I still don't love them. They're saltier than Cheetos. Yeah. I like it.
[0:27:08] Geoff: Hey, while Gavin's out of the room, we can all talk freely, right? His potato chips were dog shit. Yeah, pretty bad. The only one that was good was the one he didn't order. I gave a zero. Oh, really? Yeah. I gave a fucking zero.
[0:27:21] Eric: It's a straight up zero. I mean, I just can't believe he brought that to the table.
[0:27:26] Unidentified: I mean, this is like the worst pretzel invitation. I mean, you wouldn't bring a pretzel to this contest. No. This is here.
[0:27:33] Andrew: No, because you're not an asshole, right? He's going to have to cancel his trip.
[0:27:37] Eric: He can't go back to the country. He can't. I will say, while we're waiting, keep eating these Hawkins Cheezys.
[0:27:43] Nick: Dude, I love these things. I'm not against it. They're really good. I'm not anti-Hawkins Cheezys. It's the Cheeto that crunches back.
[0:27:49] Unidentified: Okay.
[0:27:51] Geoff: They should use that. Write them an email. No, then they would catch on, and people would want them to make more. No, but they don't care harder.
[0:27:59] Unidentified: I'm going to have to worry about their whole business model after this.
[0:28:02] Eric: I do think the last time, it says 2019 on there, and I think that might be the last time they made these. They're just working off like the same batch. They're just going, this is pre-COVID Hawkins Cheezys, and they don't want to make any post-COVID Hawkins Cheezys.
[0:28:16] Geoff: I wish they tasted as good as the bag looks. Hey, Jeff. Yeah. Just, they do. Some things say better. Okay. No Coke Zero? Oh, did you want one? Well, you grabbed two. Dude, that was cool. Eric just flipped my glasses.
[0:28:36] Unidentified: So, Gavin brought me a glass of water in a red Ziluco. Yeah. Um, and while in the UK, I learned that one of the most common questions people have about Americans is, do you really drink out of red plastic cups? Really? Yeah. Why do they ask that? That's just such a thing in the media. Yeah. Yeah.
[0:28:55] Eric: Yes, we do. That's the most fucking white trash thing, too. Yes, it is. How the fuck? Thanks, bud. Here comes Nick to get one. What? Freak style. Okay.
[0:29:11] Andrew: Andrew, what is your next tip? Oh, this is tough. Uh, I'm gonna, we're gonna go with the ruffles all dressed is the next one.
[0:29:19] Unidentified: Man, I was gonna be so disappointed if these weren't here.
[0:29:21] Andrew: This is an iconic Canadian chip. These are a classic. Um, as a show that loves being in the lab, this is where these came from. They just decided one day, fuck it, why don't we just put every seasoning on a chip? Oh. And that's all.
[0:29:34] Eric: We, I have a version of that as well. Yeah, they, it's definitely, this is an in the lab chip in a way where I think the first time I ever had these, I went, huh.
[0:29:45] Unidentified: Yeah.
[0:29:46] Eric: Pepper and onion? Oh.
[0:29:48] Unidentified: So, it's been a while since I had these, but I remember it being like barbecue, but punched up. Yeah. Like opposite direction of the barbecue chips we just had.
[0:29:57] Eric: Right. These will, these will taste like something unlike the other barbecue chips. Yes. Um, okay. Are you ready? All right. Count us down. Okay.
[0:30:07] Andrew: Enjoy. Eat the chip.
[0:30:09] Unidentified: No. Was that the count out?
[0:30:11] Andrew: Yeah. Whoa.
[0:30:16] Gavin: Mmm. Not what I was expecting.
[0:30:21] Geoff: Yeah, I like these. A lot of flavor. A lot of pulls in different directions. Ooh, I'd say a lot of flavor.
[0:30:26] Gavin: I feel like this doesn't really know what it wants to be.
[0:30:29] Eric: I agree with you.
[0:30:31] Unidentified: Jack of all trades. What is this called again?
[0:30:32] Eric: I need to put it on my note. Ruffles all dressed. I love a ruffle chip. I love, they have ridges. I'm for it. And I can't do, I can't do decimals, right? No. Okay. All right. It is a, it has some sweetness. It has like a barbecue sweetness, but it's almost like a salt and vinegar. There's a little bit of like an onion. There's definitely salt. Yeah.
[0:30:56] Geoff: Very interesting. Very interesting. All right. I've rendered my score. That's pretty good. I like that. Yeah. It's a great chip.
[0:31:04] Nick: What do you think, Nick? It's good. It just feels like it's being pulled in a little too many directions. It'd be perfect, you know? Stretched thin. Mm-hmm. That's fair. Okay. Okay. I can see that. All right. And we have our final one.
[0:31:16] Andrew: The final chip. Which of these is your favorite, by the way, Andrew? I would say the ketchup is my personal. Oh my God. But they're all great. This is what I was hoping for, too. The Lay's ketchup. Here we go. And they released grape, orange, and tomato. Oh my God. And tomato is the only one that took off.
[0:31:37] Unidentified: Wait. Was it tomato or was it ketchup? I think it was originally pulled. They smell like ketchup.
[0:31:41] Andrew: I think it's the same seasoning, but they just changed it from tomato to ketchup.
[0:31:44] Geoff: Now, I love ketchup. It smells like. I've heard of these.
[0:31:46] Unidentified: Like English ketchup.
[0:31:47] Geoff: I've never wanted to eat them. It doesn't seem like a combination that goes together. We talked about this today that you've never had it. Yeah. Never in my life. So this would be new for me.
[0:31:54] Andrew: Yeah. Nobody ever mixes fried potato and ketchup ever. That's a really weird thing.
[0:31:58] Unidentified: I accidentally put one in my mouth and then promptly spit it out.
[0:32:01] Andrew: Okay. Let's do it. Andrew, count us down. Yep. Okay. Enjoy the chip.
[0:32:08] Geoff: This motherfucker does not know how to count backwards.
[0:32:10] Andrew: No, I'm done with countdowns. I did it twice. We don't need to count backwards.
[0:32:12] Unidentified: Ew. That's, uh.
[0:32:15] Gavin: That is foul.
[0:32:17] Unidentified: I thought I liked these. Oh, it's gone. I don't think I know. Oh, what is.
[0:32:21] Gavin: That just keeps getting worse. I need to put more in to get rid of it. Ew.
[0:32:24] Unidentified: I knew I wouldn't like that. You don't like this, Nick? I knew.
[0:32:27] Nick: No. I've never seen Nick not like this. As a big condiment guy. It's a weird ketchup flavor. It's not, it's not too sweet. I can't place it.
[0:32:35] Unidentified: Yeah, you're eating more. It's like, it tastes like tomato paste. I'm trying to figure it out. It does. Yeah, there you go.
[0:32:40] Eric: Not sweet. Gracie eating it and then saying immediately, I knew I wouldn't like this. All right, send me your scores.
[0:32:49] Gavin: Jeff has sent his. That's like if ketchup came in a tin. Or some sort of can.
[0:32:54] Geoff: Yeah, like canned ketchup.
[0:32:55] Gavin: Yeah.
[0:32:56] Unidentified: Or tomato paste.
[0:32:58] Andrew: Oh, yeah. A little bit like tomato paste. That's a, you know, listen, you can come at me in my ketchup in a tin. At least none of my chips tasted like they came from a troll under a bridge. That's true. That's true. So I have that going for me. You have no cigarette flavored. Why don't you shut it up your damn ass?
[0:33:15] Unidentified: I think I'd rather do that than eat it.
[0:33:17] Gavin: It was unfortunate that Andrew said that right as I was typing my score. Oh, yes.
[0:33:21] Unidentified: No.
[0:33:22] Eric: We'll hit that delete button one time. Let's, uh. All right. Let's move on to America. Okay. I have everyone's scores in. We've done scores for all of Gavin's. All of Jeff's. Or I'm sorry. All of Andrew's. And now we will do Jeff's.
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[0:34:06] Geoff: God bless America. Which would you like to start with? And that I love. Stand beside me and guide me. I didn't know that line. Through the zap. All right. We'll do zap. We're going to start with a classic American zaps potato chip. We're going to do mesquite barbecue. Do we have enough for everybody or should I? We got to open it up and pass it around.
[0:34:30] Unidentified: Is this your only zaps? What's up? Is this your only zaps flavor?
[0:34:32] Geoff: Oh.
[0:34:33] Unidentified: Hey, hey, Becca.
[0:34:34] Eric: We'll have to wait and see.
[0:34:35] Unidentified: Okay. Oh my God. I can't bear this.
[0:34:37] Gavin: Oh, these are expired.
[0:34:39] Unidentified: Are they? Interesting.
[0:34:41] Geoff: Well, that's not my fault.
[0:34:44] Unidentified: How long ago? Oh my God, Gavin. Two weeks.
[0:34:47] Gavin: Oh. I had to point out.
[0:34:50] Eric: You definitely had to.
[0:34:51] Unidentified: Here.
[0:34:52] Gavin: Oh, green. That'll kill you. See that?
[0:34:54] Unidentified: Thank you.
[0:34:55] Gavin: See the green?
[0:34:56] Eric: There it is. It'll kill you. Okay.
[0:34:59] Unidentified: That's how you know it's a real potato.
[0:35:00] Eric: Jeff, you want to count us down? Three, two, one, go. You already ate it? Yeah.
[0:35:05] Geoff: These are definitely expired.
[0:35:06] Unidentified: Yeah, they smell like old oil a little bit.
[0:35:09] Geoff: These are 100%. These are expired. Now, that's not the chip's fault. You can asterisk this one.
[0:35:15] Unidentified: It still tastes pretty good.
[0:35:16] Geoff: Put it against the Knick-Knocks. All right.
[0:35:19] Eric: You got to send me your scores.
[0:35:20] Geoff: Everybody send your scores. I sent mine. Hmm. Well, it's definitely- I'm trying to imagine-
[0:35:24] Eric: It's definitely barbecue.
[0:35:26] Geoff: Yeah.
[0:35:27] Eric: Moving on. Why are you moving on? I need scores. No, I sent my scores.
[0:35:30] Geoff: Yeah.
[0:35:31] Eric: Why are you trying to rush your crisps? Are you in a rush?
[0:35:33] Geoff: No, I'm excited to eat good chips, finally. I need scores from Gavin and Andrew. Glenn, send your scores.
[0:35:39] Andrew: I'm just trying to imagine what they taste like if they weren't expired. Are yours expired, too? They are as well, yes.
[0:35:49] Eric: That's how long.
[0:35:50] Unidentified: That's how we do it in America. Yeah.
[0:35:53] Eric: All right.
[0:35:54] Gavin: Just need an Andrew score, and then we're going to move on. I can't put my finger on what sucks about those. I think it's the expiration. Yeah.
[0:36:00] Geoff: All right. What do we have next? Next, we have- Gavin's already passing it around. We have kettle chips.
[0:36:06] Unidentified: You're cross-contaminated.
[0:36:07] Geoff: Kettle brand kettle chips. These are kettle brand jalapeno potato chips. This is once again, a pure potato chip. Okay. This is now- Andrew told you about a little bit of spice. Uh-huh. These are what actual potato chips with a little bit of spice taste like. Okay. You going to count us down? No, he doesn't. He didn't count us down at all. It's a good crisp. They don't really have a lot of spice, either. Oh, no, there it is. Uh-huh.
[0:36:31] Unidentified: Yeah, they build and they get you.
[0:36:32] Geoff: They build. They build. They're builders.
[0:36:34] Gavin: I'd say a 1.5 to 2 second delay on that. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.
[0:36:39] Andrew: Andrew, what do you think? I'm not a big spice guy. Uh-huh. I think it's a good chip. I just don't know about the seasoning. I think this is a great chip for somebody who's not me. Like, no disrespect to the chip. This just isn't something that I would get.
[0:36:52] Gavin: These are very residue-y as well.
[0:36:53] Andrew: They are. This will stay on you for hours.
[0:36:55] Geoff: You want that? Mm-hmm. That's later licking. Uh-huh. Just don't touch your eye. Well, you definitely should touch your eye and your dickhole. All right, I've sent my review in.
[0:37:05] Nick: Mine's in. Got mine from Gavin. Nick, what do you think about these? I like these. I think I like the other brand of jalapeno chips better, though. Miss Vicky's? I think so. Really? Yeah. I think they're too thin. I like it. They're a little spicier, though. They are. They are.
[0:37:20] Eric: Oh, yeah. Please, Becca.
[0:37:22] Unidentified: I mean, I have two chips that I usually go for, and it's either salt and vinegar or jalapeno. So, I mean, always a fan. Yeah, I think it's a great chip. I have to be in a mood, though, for the, you know, accumulated spice. But in this small portion, it's quite perfect.
[0:37:39] Gavin: What will put you in that mood?
[0:37:42] Unidentified: I don't know. A glass of milk? All right, should we move on?
[0:37:53] Geoff: What are we doing next? All right, next up, we're going to do our version of the, uh, what was it called? The Lay's All Dressed? The All Dressed? This is Zapp's Voodoo. Zapp's appears twice on the list. I was holding my tongue.
[0:38:06] Unidentified: This is my favorite chip.
[0:38:07] Geoff: Yeah. This is Zapp's Voodoo. What they did is they basically took all the Zapp's flavors and put them into one chip and called it Voodoo Chips, New Orleans style.
[0:38:16] Eric: Why are you taking so many chips when you eat three?
[0:38:19] Gavin: Yeah, I need to remember the other ones.
[0:38:22] Eric: All right, Jeff, are you going to count us down? Three, two, one, go.
[0:38:30] Unidentified: Oh my God, are these expired?
[0:38:31] Nick: Oh my God.
[0:38:33] Unidentified: Oh my God, these are very expired now.
[0:38:35] Nick: No, only barely.
[0:38:36] Unidentified: These are two weeks.
[0:38:37] Nick: These are a month. Oh, these are missing it.
[0:38:39] Eric: Oh, these are July, 17th of July. And, and it's, and it's the 18th of July today on the recording. They still taste good though. Yeah, they're still good.
[0:38:48] Graysie: It's interesting because the potato's expired, but the seasoning is not. So it tastes good until you focus on the chip itself.
[0:38:53] Unidentified: I think it's the oil. Like it's always the oil that does it.
[0:38:56] Geoff: I feel like I'm being, my chips are going to be unfairly maligned because we got all expired chips. At least you got all your chips. That's true. That's true. Although the best fucking review thing you had was you're not chipping.
[0:39:07] Gavin: I think these are, these are going to score high, but I think these are an absolute disgrace. And I can't really put any more words in than that. These are all over the place. They're good though.
[0:39:16] Unidentified: Wait, what?
[0:39:18] Geoff: I don't understand what you just said. They're going to score high. They're an absolute disgrace. They're good though.
[0:39:23] Unidentified: Yeah.
[0:39:24] Eric: Why even bother?
[0:39:25] Geoff: I don't know. I don't know. He did say all over the place.
[0:39:27] Unidentified: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, oh, nevermind. It's like UK date format. Okay.
[0:39:32] Eric: So those, just so everyone knows, Becca was checking to see if the monster munch was expired because it fucking sucks so much, but whoa, no, I like the monster munch. Disgusting. Um, okay. I have scores from everyone now.
[0:39:48] Geoff: And now we have one more chip. All right. The final chip. This has been my, my, my chip du jour of late. I discovered this recently. I have been slamming these back. Go ahead and share those. Y'all Eric, will you share with Gavin? This is Ruffles with Queso. Oh, wow. Queso ruffles. I've never even seen this. Classic ruffled potato chips. It's got the ridges. Mm-hmm. You can get these at H-E-B. You can get these at any grocery store in Texas. These have got a call on them.
[0:40:15] Unidentified: So it's a Texas-specific release?
[0:40:17] Geoff: There's a, there's a lot of smell.
[0:40:18] Unidentified: Oh, it's a sabrita. They're intense.
[0:40:20] Geoff: They are intense. You want to count this down? Three.
[0:40:23] Unidentified: Just these two are expired.
[0:40:24] Geoff: Two. One.
[0:40:29] Eric: Oh. I, I love it. I love it. Holy shit. That's good.
[0:40:35] Gavin: That seemed to find a new part of my tongue.
[0:40:37] Unidentified: Mm-hmm.
[0:40:39] Gavin: I'm going to put my score in.
[0:40:41] Unidentified: Oh. Didn't, didn't Ruffles have like a cheddar flavor? Cheddar and sour cream. Yeah. Like that. Yeah. It tastes exactly the same. Yeah. Oh, but it's cheesier.
[0:40:48] Eric: This is so cheesy. It is a very cheesy chip. Are the Andrew thoughts? I don't know how I feel. I'm trying to figure it out. I don't, yeah. I don't have to score this.
[0:40:56] Gavin: I think I like it. Immediately, I'm thinking just a question mark.
[0:41:00] Eric: Yeah. I'm with you.
[0:41:01] Geoff: Question marks naturally turn into tens after enough time. It looks like a seven.
[0:41:06] Eric: I think if I wasn't from this country, this would be a weird flavor to me. But if you are, you want to eat this. Oh, I'm from this and I love this.
[0:41:12] Geoff: Like I can't open a big bag and not sit and finish the whole thing while I'm watching sports. Did you say you're from this? I'm for this. Oh.
[0:41:19] Eric: I'm from this. I'm from this.
[0:41:21] Geoff: This is honestly, oh. And these expired on July 18th. God damn.
[0:41:26] Unidentified: Well, that's today. Slightly fresher than the ones.
[0:41:28] Geoff: But the taste is still there. Yeah, they're really good. Imagine if all my chips were fresh. Imagine if any of my chips were fresh. Yeah, yeah.
[0:41:37] Unidentified: So this just says guaranteed fresh until printed date. So they're still fresh. Yeah.
[0:41:43] Eric: They're still good.
[0:41:44] Unidentified: I mean, they're just not guaranteed.
[0:41:45] Eric: Okay. We have all of our scores in for every chip. How would you like me to execute what we're doing here?
[0:41:55] Andrew: Just before we do that, I just want to point out the stakes are you can never return home again. I don't know. That is something that you keep saying. I know. But in a contest in which the stakes couldn't be higher over like somebody had a bunch of expired chips and somebody didn't even have their chips. I just love it.
[0:42:11] Eric: And again, the chip that he did have, probably his best scoring chip.
[0:42:15] Gavin: Eric, how would you rate your producing on this segment? Oh, I hate this segment.
[0:42:20] Eric: So I'm 10 out of 10. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. I'm just going to stack you my score. I think my producing on this expired in June.
[0:42:28] Geoff: You guaranteed good producing up to the middle of July. All right. You want to combine the scores and go gag? Gavin's combined score, Andrew's, and then Jeff's.
[0:42:36] Eric: So we are looking at, wow, these are going to be neck and neck in all of them too. I will say Gavin's chips, Gavin scored his Onion Monster Munch a nine, his Frazzles an eight, Nick Knox an eight, and Twiglets a seven. The Twiglets received a one from Andrew and a zero from Jeff. Are you shitting one? Those are the lowest scores of the competition.
[0:43:08] Geoff: A zero? I only gave you a zero because I figured he would be a dick if I went negative. And that is true. If I could have gone negative four, I would have gone negative four. Eat that again. Tell me it's a zero. I'll eat it right fucking now.
[0:43:20] Unidentified: It looks like a chicken bone. I was about to say that. That tastes like shit.
[0:43:24] Geoff: I am eating a crunchy cigarette. Not even a cigarette, a cigarette butt. This tastes like a crunchy cigarette butt.
[0:43:32] Gavin: Listen to me. You hate white stuff, right? You hate milk. I do. I assume milk would be zero. Yeah. You're saying that's milk? You're saying that's the same as milk?
[0:43:39] Geoff: Yeah, I am.
[0:43:40] Gavin: All right. Any non-lunatics in the room who would rate that higher than a zero?
[0:43:45] Andrew: The only reason I gave it a one and not a zero is because that wasn't the last of your chips, and I didn't know if the bar could be lower. I didn't know a chip bar could be that low, so I had to leave room for something being worse.
[0:43:58] Eric: Oh, they're so good. So, that was the low. The Twiglets across the board was the lowest rated chip. Andrew rated the pickled onion monster munch a three. Ooh, Andrew, you're an animal today.
[0:44:10] Andrew: I just don't. I'm not a big pickle guy, and that was very pickly. It was like pickle juice.
[0:44:15] Eric: The rest of it, pretty in the middle. Total combined score, 70. For adding everything up, putting them all together, 70. So, that's where we're at there. Solid C minus. What did you score the monster munch? I think I gave them an eight. On the monster munch, you gave it an eight. I liked the monster munch. I quite liked it. Andrew went. Andrew's chips were second. Gavin gave the Lay's ketchup a four.
[0:44:40] Gavin: I thought that was a fair low score. I didn't think ones and zeros were flying around. Uh-huh. That's how bad the Twiglet was. Wow.
[0:44:46] Geoff: Okay. Yeah, no.
[0:44:47] Unidentified: I mean, if the ketchup is a four, Twiglet, absolutely.
[0:44:51] Geoff: Not trying to be a dick at all.
[0:44:53] Eric: So, if you're like, wow, Gavin gave the Lay's ketchup a four, Jeff only gave it a five.
[0:45:00] Geoff: Yeah.
[0:45:01] Eric: That's fine. The Lay's ketchup really underperformed.
[0:45:04] Andrew: I expected Lay's ketchup to be polarizing. Yeah. I expected it to be polarizing.
[0:45:08] Eric: And I wanted to like it.
[0:45:09] Geoff: I like potato chips, and I like ketchup. Yeah.
[0:45:12] Eric: Jeff gave the Hawkins Cheesies a four.
[0:45:15] Geoff: Yeah, they were bad. Really? I didn't like the flavor at all.
[0:45:19] Andrew: Yeah. But you're just talking about the cheese with the quake queso. I know. The cheese guy. I know.
[0:45:23] Geoff: And it's a difference between good cheese and your cheese.
[0:45:29] Eric: Gavin gave the Old Dutch barbecue a five. Jeff gave it a six, and Andrew gave it a seven. I just thought that was interesting that you're all bunched up there. Yeah.
[0:45:37] Unidentified: I think it's interesting that Andrew brought a seven to the contest.
[0:45:41] Eric: Yeah, that's exactly how I feel. Well, I gave one seven, I think.
[0:45:45] Andrew: I can't give tens. I felt like it'd be an asshole if I just gave myself tens across the board. Interesting. That seems unfair.
[0:45:51] Gavin: That could give me a one, though.
[0:45:52] Eric: Interesting. Yeah. So, the total combined score is 75. Oh, okay. So, just fairly sweet, bye. The kettle jalapeno for Jeff's chips. Yeah.
[0:46:03] Andrew: Wait, what about the all-dressed?
[0:46:04] Eric: Oh, sorry.
[0:46:04] Andrew: What was my highest rated chip?
[0:46:06] Eric: The all-dressed, you gave an eight, Jeff gave an eight, and Gavin gave a seven. There you go. So, the all-dressed was up there. I like the all-dressed. The kettle jalapeno, Andrew gave a four.
[0:46:19] Geoff: Mm-hmm.
[0:46:20] Eric: Wow. Gavin gave an eight. This is because I'm not a big spice guy.
[0:46:22] Geoff: And Jeff gave a ten. And I stand by that ten. You gave yourself a ten, huh? I gave myself a couple tens.
[0:46:29] Eric: In fact, Gavin, he gave himself three tens. You're an honorable. The only one knocking off the ten, Zapp's Mesquite Barbecue, which Jeff gave a nine. Yeah, they were only a nine.
[0:46:40] Geoff: I don't know if it's because they were expired or a lot, but they weren't a ten. But they were all expired. I feel like, I mean, you scored like an American. Yeah. It makes sense. I scored honestly. Yeah, uh-huh. If yours would have been tens, I would have given you tens. There was no bias there. It's just flavor.
[0:46:54] Unidentified: Wait, what did- I really don't care. What did Gavin give the peanuts? The surprise? Oh, look.
[0:46:58] Gavin: Were the peanuts my highest scoring one?
[0:47:01] Eric: Yes. I gave them an eight. Jeff gave them a nine. A nine, there. Andrew gave them a seven, which was his highest score. Well, I had the real product. Yep, that's true. And, Gavin, you gave them an eight.
[0:47:10] Geoff: Yeah, I gave you a nine. I really believed. They were as good as the barbecue.
[0:47:14] Eric: Yeah, they were the best chip that you didn't want.
[0:47:16] Gavin: Yeah, from my home country of Cambodia or wherever.
[0:47:19] Eric: Thailand. I don't know. The rest of the scoring for Jeff's chips, sort of six and sevens all around. Couple of eights in there from Gavin and Andrew. Jeff's score, Ruffles queso, 10. Kettle jalapeno, 10. Zaps mesquite barbecue, 9. Zaps New Orleans style voodoo, 10. The score, the summation of his points, is 90.
[0:47:46] Andrew: Wow. Wait, how's he getting 90 points? There's four bags of chips and there's three scores. How's he getting to 90?
[0:47:53] Eric: I'm adding everyone's scores together. Six, six, 10. Eight, four, 10. Six, eight, nine. Seven, six, 10. That is the way that these have all been scored.
[0:48:05] Gavin: Who would have thought that having less Americans in the scoring would make it less fair?
[0:48:09] Eric: Mm-hmm. Very interesting. Um.
[0:48:14] Geoff: And I'm proud to be an American. Where at least I know I'm free. Me and Lee Greenwood, baby. Even if. And I won't forget the men who died to give those chips to me. Yeah. And I'll probably stand up and eat queso.
[0:48:31] Eric: Okay. Ruffles here today. So, I want to say.
[0:48:35] Geoff: I love my chips.
[0:48:40] Eric: Why? You're going to bless the USA. Okay, yeah. I don't know why you would end before the last line. Here's the thing about the score. You're going like, wow, these sums are like crazy or whatever. They're fair. 15 points off on Jeff's. The thing about Jeff's scores is that even if you knock Jeff down two points in his own scores. If you go like, instead of 10, 10, 9, 10.
[0:49:03] Unidentified: You go like, 8, 8, 7, 10. So, if you deducted eight points.
[0:49:08] Geoff: Still doesn't fucking matter. Also, you got to be. And I don't mean this as a personal assault to either of you. Yeah. The British or the Canadian. You got to be a real dumb motherfucker if you're bringing sevens and eights to your own contest. Like, where's your ten? Bring your own fucking tins, man. You got a whole country. I'm sure there's tins in your country. It just feels obnoxious. It's not a country of seven. But look at them. It feels obnoxious.
[0:49:27] Unidentified: Look at the shapes of mine, son. I will give them a little benefit. Maybe not all of them were available for mail order. Oh, they were.
[0:49:34] Gavin: Also, who knows if Eric even would have bought them. And also, I think the shapes are playing a big factor here. These are all very unique. A knick-knack also would have been unique.
[0:49:42] Geoff: And you're holding three things that aren't potato chips.
[0:49:43] Eric: Yeah, who gives a fuck what they look like? I'm back. I'm eating Jeff's ruffles. They're here. Oh, boy. I'm into it.
[0:49:51] Geoff: Their queso are so good, man.
[0:49:53] Eric: Nick is going crazy on the Hawkins cheesies. I like them.
[0:49:56] Geoff: Dude, I got a whole bag here for you.
[0:49:59] Unidentified: That's such a dense bag.
[0:50:00] Gavin: I mean, we'll obviously have to come back for the knick-knacks one day. The proper ones. Yeah. Maybe we'll do that in an episode.
[0:50:04] Eric: You can bring them back from England.
[0:50:06] Geoff: Yeah, we'll do that. Maybe we'll do another round where I, for the American ones, I pick no chips. I just pick shit like pretzels and Cheetos and Fritos. And then you pick actual potato chips this time.
[0:50:19] Unidentified: Y'all should try to bring your worst and aim for the lowest score.
[0:50:22] Geoff: Ooh.
[0:50:22] Eric: Oh, God. That's such a f***ing move. That's a really good idea.
[0:50:25] Gavin: I don't be old prawn. Worst chip challenge.
[0:50:27] Unidentified: Can I have Eric's job?
[0:50:28] Eric: Yeah. Absolutely.
[0:50:31] Andrew: Um, so, I'm not sure what we learned here. I think I had, what I confirmed, my thought about American chips, that they're very average. Like, I think Jeff won on averageness. Like, he didn't take any swings for the fences as far as flavor. I would say, whenever I'm in.
[0:50:47] Geoff: He won by 15 points. I don't know what you're talking about didn't take any swing for the fences. I went, I had a queso-specific chip. You'd never even heard of that before, motherfucker. A cheese chip. That's a crazy. A very popular cheese flavor is a swing for the fences. How many queso chips do you got up in there in Canada? None. That's the whole point of this. That's right, motherfucker. But we have a ton in America. I picked a classic barbecue, which ended up being the worst one. I picked an everything chip, which you also picked. So don't, you can't slight me on that. Yeah, I give you credit for everything. No, no, I'm giving you everything. And then I picked a spicy motherfucking chip.
[0:51:17] Gavin: I will say, even though I scored mine, even though I scored mine more reserved, I'm way more excited to walk past a shelf of crisps in England and pick out these things than the more bland shit that I find in H-E-B. You are overwhelmed by bad choices in England.
[0:51:32] Eric: You're like a shapes guy. You're definitely like a shapes guy.
[0:51:36] Gavin: Yeah. I mean, one of the ones I could have brought was the one where you build a tiny crisp car.
[0:51:40] Geoff: What? Yeah. Why didn't you bring that? That would have been a test. If your country focused more on the flavor and less on the shape, then you might have done better in the contest. Maybe you're right.
[0:51:50] Andrew: That is the thing. Like, you have great names. You definitely went on names. Over-index on names. For sure.
[0:51:55] Eric: I can't believe that I ordered knick-knacks and they sent me knick-knocks. I showed you the link. It's the link you sent. You're right. I ordered that. Yeah. You go screwed that. They're just next to each other in the warehouse. Yeah. The guy with knick-knacks. Oh, shit. I'm out of knick-knacks. I had fucking knicks. Where are they, by the way? Where are the knicks-knocks? I'm sure Nick has them. Amazon does that shit.
[0:52:16] Geoff: I bought a bag of a box of baseball cards from Amazon the other day and I got a yoga roller. What? And a pair of sweatpants.
[0:52:24] Eric: That's not close at all. Even close to what I ordered. Andrew, what do you think your conclusions are here? What's your final sort of thoughts?
[0:52:32] Andrew: I'm never going to buy chips in Europe, anywhere overseas. Don't blame you. American chips are as bland as I assumed. Like, they're just inoffensive. They're fine. Wait. And it says that it's too spicy for me. And I'm happy with what I have. I think Gavin and I win on adventurousness in the chip realm. Oh, my God. Yeah. Which is what I'm looking for in the chip.
[0:53:02] Geoff: I want to go on an adventure. I prefer the adventure of winning.
[0:53:06] Andrew: Says the guy who gave himself tens. Yeah.
[0:53:09] Geoff: Yeah, because I brought tens.
[0:53:10] Andrew: Why do you sandbag your own fucking score?
[0:53:13] Geoff: Come on, man. It's such an American. What the fuck? Believe in your own country. To be fair.
[0:53:17] Gavin: I believe. I rarely enter competitions expecting to win, so I'm absolutely fine with it.
[0:53:23] Eric: That's because you British and you guys don't expect to win. I can definitely tell. In America, we expect to win. You brought twiglets.
[0:53:30] Unidentified: Yeah.
[0:53:30] Gavin: And I'm proud of that choice.
[0:53:31] Unidentified: I think Gavin brought a personal journey here. That's true. That's true.
[0:53:35] Gavin: Christmas 1992, that is. Right there.
[0:53:37] Unidentified: Yeah.
[0:53:38] Geoff: That was a rough year for you, huh? You're glad you have twiglets? Was that the year you got your brother's hand-me-up bicycle for Christmas?
[0:53:45] Andrew: Actually, I agree with that. Like, I'm glad I had that. Yeah. I will never have them again, but I feel like that's sort of the point of this, is like bringing in flavors that are region-specific that Yee enjoys, but we don't, because we don't eat dirt typically, but they do, I guess, and that's fine.
[0:54:03] Eric: The average, like, the total combined score for twiglets was eight, and seven of those points are gaffing. Everyone else is up in, like, the twenties, and it really is eight for twiglets.
[0:54:17] Gavin: I don't think zero should have been allowed. That's just nothing.
[0:54:19] Eric: Okay, we can give you one, and it'll be nine. Bring you up to a cool 71. Oh, man.
[0:54:27] Geoff: Well, I think we've done it. Yeah. Will you take us out from this thing? Thanks for tuning in to another piece of supplemental f*** face content. We hope you enjoyed the chip challenge. Maybe you have some chips from your local location that you're really into, and if you do, that's cool for you. I don't know that I give a s***, but I'm happy for you. Do your own with your friends. Oh, yeah. Do your own with your friends, and here's the real deal. Let us know. Yeah. Tell us what your favorite chips are. We want to know. We want to try them. If we covered something from England, or if we missed something from England and the UK because of poor ambassadorship, let us know what else we should be trying. We've got a whole round of this. I'm sure we all could. I've got quavos. We could definitely do that.
[0:55:05] Eric: Gracie, I'm going to need you to order a bunch of chips.
[0:55:07] Geoff: Maybe you should bring some tins this time, and then we'll go ahead and get unexpired American chips, maybe. That would be awesome, too. Yeah.
[0:55:14] Unidentified: We could just probably go get these at the store. Yeah. Largely.
[0:55:17] Gavin: I'd be interested to know from the comment leavers if anyone has experienced this unique
[0:55:22] Geoff: collection of chips, who they think has won. And a special thank you to Eric and Becca. Eric, thank you for letting Becca be the one-time regulation, cast, variance, dispensation. And Becca, thank you for sitting in and eating some potato chips with us. I'm sorry about your kids.
[0:55:40] Unidentified: Yeah, sorry about your damn kids. But every parent gets one like, give me. It's true. It's true.
[0:55:45] Eric: Follow us at F***FacePodcast on Instagram and on Twitter. R slash F***FacePodcast is a subreddit we don't run, but it's there. You can check it out. Do a chip challenge with your friends. And that's it. Go ahead. Oh, and also listen to my new podcast, So I'll Write.
[0:56:01] Geoff: It's also a 10.
[0:56:03] Unidentified: Hmm.
[0:56:04] Andrew: Can I write a 10?
[0:56:05] Eric: That is absolutely... It might be the Twiglets of podcasts, if you don't know.
[0:56:11] Gavin: Real weird aftermath on that podcast.
[0:56:19] Eric: Goodbye.
